I know a girl that lusts after diseases, and she makes me sick. I sometimes fuck her just for the fun of it, and I sometimes realise that she’s no fun at all. I tell her I have all sorts of unforgiving bacteria hiding in the crevices of my veins and my cunt and in the recess between my tongue and the soft blanket of wet flesh that covers my lower jaw. When we fuck she tries to get as deeply inside me as she can, and once she told me that she wanted to be a man but I already knew. I already knew she wanted to fit inside me perfectly. I already knew. She wanted to be the blood in my heart. She wanted to be the marrow in my bone. She wanted to make love to me.

We fucked as much as we could, and silently too. She told me I made her feel sad when she caught my eye while we were fucking and I put my fingers over her mouth and I said please don’t talk. Please don’t call it that. She mouthed ‘fucking’ and I nodded. She turned away.

What disgusts me more than anything is when she bites me. She bites me like a child bites her mother’s nipple, testing for a flinch and staring with wide, beautiful eyes. I needed her like a child. I needed her to think she needed me. Her teeth were sharp enough to pierce the skin, but she was dull enough to never allow them their freedom. They wanted to roam my bloodstream. She suckled on my flesh and it disgusted me. When I was menstruating she stayed away, she went shopping and filled her basket full of milk and sometimes flowers. I never saw a flower wilting in a vase in her house because she never invited me. This is how she was.

I told her if she was a man she would have to cum inside me, and our fluids would mix and she would die a day at a time like I am dying. Today, today, another passing funeral. She looked away, she didn’t need to answer. I am woman, she mouths to a blank wall. I sigh although the words are not for me.

Almost time, I whispered down the phone, and she made a noise and hung up. I lay a while on the sheets listening to the dial tone to get some sense of where I was. I am infallible. I looked to the ceiling, but no answers came. I wondered about silent agreement and called it judgement. I slept.

I shall see her tomorrow, and tomorrow I shall bite into her lip when she kisses me so that I may never have to see her again. She will contract any diseases that I may or may not have and whether or not she is infected does not matter. She will die and I will not go to her funeral. I have never met any of her friends.

Baby, let’s fuck. I nodded. Let’s fuck. Let’s pretend. I dragged a comb through my hair and now I’m waiting.